Ok, you got me. That’s how I remember it. It was actually called The One With The Fake Party. The gang throws a bon voyage party for the recently introduced Emily. Really, it was a way to give Rachel a chance to seduth Joshua. Really, really, it was a reason to give Jennifer Aniston to wear a cheerleader outfit. And, really, really, really, it’s this story.
+++
Ross and Emily had been dating for two weeks. Which is fine, it was only meant to be a two-week thing. Emily was flying home to England the next morning. Rachel sussed it that Ross liked Emily.
I know, you’re getting a little bored and wondering how much longer you’re going to hang in there. Give me a sec. I’m going somewhere with this. This would be so much easier if I could pull a bra out of my shirt like that plumber in that movie.
So, anyway, Ross tells a fat-lipped Rachel sitting on the step outside the guys’ apartment (which used to be the girls’ apartment), “Yeah, I really do [like her]. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y'know no commitment.
And, here’s your payoff.
“Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica's photo albums, I mean you don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks.”
Friends, this isn’t about Friends. Cue, gasp. Nope. I bait and switched y’all. Sorry. This is about TikTok. The mammothly popular social platform that’s rapidly becoming a go-to for advertisers has until January 25 to break up with America.
Since then TikTok has been faking their way through a string of endless parties. And like the second-most-skipped episode of Friends, they pulled the storyline from the pages of a 1993 issue of Cosmo they perused in their dentist’s waiting room.
Step one, tug at the heartstrings of friends of the soon-to-be-ex. They found seven million small businesses use TikTok. They gave those seven million friends an AI tool that will create video ads from a few simple prompts.
Step two, show off your wares. At the Shoptalk and Cannes events, they debuted all sorts of nifty new toys for advertisers. New video, search, and shopping ad tools for retailers got Walmart to advertise. Then, new premium ad inventory. Their Pulse Premiere ad format is perfect for streaming services who want to get people to watch their shows and movies. NBC Universal, Paramount Global, MTV, CBS Sports, and some major leagues jumped on board to promote things like Saturday Night Live, America’s Got Talent, and the Today Show.
It's working. At Cannes last week, Blake Chandlee, TikTok’s President of Global Solutions said, “the advertising community has been really supportive of us.” You’re welcome to read that as, “We’ve won over your friends.” I do. That makes it tougher to break up.
Which leads to step three. Deny and ignore. The people who ask TikTok what happens after the January deadline – when Emily flies home – note this, “TikTok just doesn’t acknowledge the bill with any of its partners or with advertisers at all anymore, there’s no updates, nothing. It’s as if it’s not happening.” Off the record, people are more emphatic, “It seems like TikTok is quietly confident that it’s not going anywhere.”
And, that may be because of step four. Threats. TikTok recently hinted they might layoff up to a thousand people in communications and marketing. They’re pretty clear that this is unrelated to the U.S. ban. Sure. And Rachel is the nicest friend. When they happen to mention that 7000 people work for TikTok in America the layoff hint goes from feeling newsie to feeling threatie.
So, no, America ain’t breaking up with TikTok and TikTok ain’t going nowhere.
First, the deadline is set for after the election. Which means one of the first thing a re-elected Biden or re-re-elected Trump will have to do is signoff on a breakup. At that point it won’t be a priority. Election interference and national risk is someone else’s problem four years down the road. Plus, you’re going to be really unpopular breaking with advertisers, ad agencies, people working for TikTok, and hundreds of millions of TikTok’s friends. The stats back it up. Users are on course to spend more time on TikTok than Facebook and advertisers spent 43% more in Q1 this year than they did in Q1 last year.
Second, TikTok America is worth tons. They’re not shutting it down. That’s akin to leaving your Porsche at the track with the keys in it. IF and it’s a big IF they are forced to leave, they will sell it to someone else.
America, TikTok just spent months talking to your friends, showing you new things, and threatening you, I mean you don't do that if you're just going to break up in seven months. But picture me wearing a cheerleader outfit. Actually, no. Don't do that.